How to take your next party to the bank. The blood bank.

When I discovered a few months ago that action hero Steven Seagal had patented his own line of energy drinks, I didn’t need to hear a sales-pitch. A product like this sells itself.

Lighting Bolt

According to the product’s Website, ‘Lighting Bolt’ is the first energy drink to be made with 100% juice. The all-natural, no-preservative beverage is also the first to contain ‘Asian Cordyceps,’ a rare herb used for thousands of years in Chinese and Tibetan medicine to promote energy, vitality and longevity. Dang, brah. The drink also contains a wealth of ingredients shown to increase endurance and cardiovascular conditioning, as well as promote energy and vitality. The Website goes on to say that each ingredient was “carefully chosen by Steven Seagal to incorporate the greatest treasures of Asian medicine,” and it “holds untold natural power.” Sounds awesome. The drink comes in two flavors: ‘Asian Experience’ and ‘Cherry Charge.’ Step down from the pulpit, already: I’m sold.

My order of Lighting Bolt showed up in the mail a few weeks later. Not wanting to taste them right away, I put the drinks in a box in a corner of my room, where they remained for the duration of the winter season, untouched. I wanted to save the drinks for a suitable occasion (ninja class seemed like a wasted opportunity) but for the life of me I couldn’t figure out when to use them. Fast forward a few seasons later, and the cans eventually found themselves lodged under my couch, where they would not surface until early summer when a serendipitous hunt for my old VHS copy of ‘Gleaming the Cube’ prompted their unearthing. Lo and behold, we’d recently sent out invitations for our annual 4th of July BBQ, and the chain of events sent a roundhouse kick to the action zone in my brain. What better way to celebrate the independence of our nation than by serving guests a series of cocktails themed with the martial arts elixir?

As fate would have it, these drinks are really good. What’s better, they’re delicious with alcohol. They’ve got a strong berry bouquet and they go down smooth, making Lighting Bolt a lot easier on the stomach than Red Bull or your run-of-the-mill ‘eXtreme’ beverage swill. Making cocktails with this drink was easy; and after a few hours my dojo was imbibing some crazy concoctions. Here are a few recipes we came up with over the course of the evening:

Long Island Iced Steve

1 shot triple sec

1 shot tequila

1 shot rum

1 shot vodka

2 parts S.S. Lighting Bolt

Splash of cola



Verdict: incredible

The Long Island Iced Steve was, by far, the most successful drink of the night. Not only did it taste really good, but the Lighting Bolt and the cola covered almost all traces of alcohol, which is saying a lot because this drink is really, really strong. After a few of these, the party started swinging. To put it simply, we got fucked up.

Your party before Lighting Bolt

Your party after Lighting Bolt

Damn, son!

Siglet

2 shots vodka

1 part S.S. Lighting Bolt

Limejuice, squeezed from half lime

Garnish with lime wedge



Verdict: refreshing

Seagal Bomb

1 shot Jagermeister

1 part S.S. Lighting Bolt

Pour into rocks glass (or equivalent) and shoot



Verdict: goddamn awful



Seriously, this drink makes it seem like someone else threw up in your mouth.

Tropic of Seagal

1 shot rum

2 parts S.S. Lighting Bolt


Verdict: swarthy

Stout for Justice

1 half-finished beer

Two parts S.S. Lighting Bolt, poured into beer bottle (fish-head shaped beer coozy optional)


Verdict: not good

Seagal Mezcal

1 shot tequila

Splash of S.S. Lighting Bolt

1 Swedish Fish, floating in shot-glass

Verdict: absolutely disgusting

Hard to Kill

Note:this recipe should only be attempted at the end of the night, when alcohol supplies are running at almost non-existent levels.

3 parts whatever booze you have left in the house (for us it was tequila, Peach Schnapps, some margarita mix and a splash of Sky vodka)

Fill to the top with S.S. Lighting Bolt. Shake very well.


Verdict: marked for death

All in all, it was a damn good time. Be it a Fourth of July party, a wedding, a birthday, a bachelor party or a bris, Steven Seagal’s Lighting Bolt really is the beverage for all occasions. I suggest you buy a pack and try these recipes for yourself. Better yet, come up with your own!

Under Seage

The End