I’ve got a joke for you:  Q: What does a Russian bride get on her wedding night that’s long and hard?  A: Her new last name.

I kill me.

Goddamn I’m hungry. On the second day I wake up to stomach pains. I go to the bathroom and look at myself in the mirror. There are circles under my eyes, and my skin looks wan and pallid. At work I make myself some tea (this is technically cheating, but the fact that I’m skipping coffee in the mornings is a miracle in itself). Throughout the morning I drink two glasses of the lemonade. At lunch I sit on the steps of the main library on 42nd and read. In between pages I look up and watch people eat. Everything looks delicious - even the hot dogs from the vendor cart across the street look exquisite, little sticky, sun-glazed fingers nestled in soft buns and packed with troves of kraut and mustard. I’ve never had a desire to eat one of those things but now I’d pillage the entire cart if I had the chance. I go back to the office and drink water until my stomach is full with it.

Today I read from pages 72 to 230. Not bad, but I’m still behind schedule. After work I forgo going to the gym and read instead. Band practice is at 7 p.m. and it’s brief. I go home and lay in bed, where I read until I fall asleep. It doesn’t take long: I feel sapped of energy.

Vronsky starts acting creepy. He jumps on the train and follows Anna back to St. Petersburg. When she gets up to get some air, he reveals himself and basically scares the shit out of her. He tells her that he loves her. Anna says a relationship is impossible. Vronsky doesn’t listen, and then proceeds to stalk Anna all over St. Petersburg. He meets Anna’s eight-year old son Sergei, and her husband, Alexey Alexandrovitch, a famous senior government official. Anna hangs out with her friends and realizes what a bunch of catty bitches they are. Vronsky shows up a party and corners Anna. They talk all night. Alexey sees this and gets pissed. He later confronts her, telling her such behavior is embarrassing and improper. Anna plays dumb and denies everything.

Meanwhile, Kitty becomes ill (with what sounds like tubercular meningitis) and is taken to a spa in to Europe to recover. Vronsky hears the news, and could give a shit. Levin meets up with his estranged brother, Nikolay, a radical pseudo-communist who is also ill. Dolly and Stepan reconcile. Vronsky keeps harassing Anna and she finally gives in. They totally fuck.

Spring arrives and Stepan visits Levin in the country. Stepan has some nearby land that he wants to sell, and a local shyster offers to buy it at a price way below market value. Levin tells Stepan he’s being ripped off. Stepan, who’s already rich and just wants to get rid of the land, could care less. He sells the land and goes back to Moscow. Levin gets pissed. Back in St. Petersburg it’s obvious that everyone is talking about Vronsky and Anna’s romance. Vronsky’s family begins sending him letters, telling him the relationship is improper. Army buddies and his brother confront him to say the same. He doesn’t listen. Anna sends Vronsky a note telling him she needs to see him immediately. They meet at a local park and Anna breaks the news: she preggers.

Kitty meets some people at the spa that she likes. Levin begins thinking about new ways of farming. Vronsky’s mommy stops sending him money. Instead of saving his now dwindling funds, he enters a horse race. He almost wins, but his horse falls at the last minute and breaks its back. They have to put the horse to sleep (serves it right, the fucker’s name is ‘Frou-Frou’). Alexey and Anna are watching the race from the stands, and Anna starts crying when she sees the fallen horse. Alexey sees this and rips into Anna for having improper feelings for Vronsky. She admits that she has been fucking him the entire time. Dang.

The book is starting to get really good. I’m going to make a stretch here and say that Tolstoy does something that I rarely see in authors in that he really understands human motivation. No matter how deplorable someone’s actions are, they make sense, they’re consistent with the character and with real life. There’s a lot of psychology at work, and I’ve always loved Steinbeck and Hemmingway for the same reason. Maybe that’s just a hallmark of good writing? I don’t know, but it goes beyond the pale of “show, don’t tell.” Also, why does almost every major revelation in this book happen on some mode of transport (horses, trains, etc)? I’ve taken a mistress with this theme.

I fall asleep and dream that I’m at a formal Russian dance. I’m invited to one of the tables, where there is a large punch bowl. I drink some of the punch. It’s spiked heavily with some sort of grain alcohol, and I become visibly drunk. A group at the table then requests I design a series of pamphlets describing the dance, which they will use for promotional purposes around Moscow. I create a four-panel pamphlet on my computer with stock art featuring a wedding gown and botanical gardens. They like it.

I wake up on the third day starving. I’m so hungry I could eat a baby’s ass through a park bench.

To be continued …