Why are employees at music stores such douchebags? It blows my mind.
Try making your way through a store that sells musical equipment without seeing/hearing an employee do or say something absolutely douchetastic – it’s nigh impossible. For the bonus round, try buying something without getting one smirk or condescending little grin from said douche, and I’ll buy you a fucking ice-cream.
It’s a silly thing to write about I suppose, but the numbers here are alarming and I feel this issue really needs to be addressed. Now don’t get me wrong: I knew a lot of music store employees in my hometown of Columbus and many of them were great guys – but the ratio of douche-to-non- in this cottage industry is off the charts. They play in the worst bands ever, they drink way too much Mountain Dew, they’re covered in shitty tribal tattoos and they all have the social panache of adolescent food-court hoodlums. It’s like they have to meet a five-point douche quotient when turning in their applications to strip-mall Mcmusic outlets like Sam Ash or Guitar Center. It goes without saying that the root of umbrage for these stains is a terrible attitude (a dangerous combo when delusions of grandeur meet with an inferiority complex). On the other hand, one of life’s little wonders is its ability to prove to absolute failures that their misguided beliefs simply do not work. Really, I have no idea why no one wants to see your Krokus cover band. Welcome to ‘You’re Wrong.’
Lexicon of the douche.
If you ever want to get a good laugh, I highly suggest going into a music store with a concealed tape recorder. You can capture and later decipher an underground brogue you never knew existed. First, there’s the dozen-plus ways to describe adept guitar playing, each one more retarded than the last (hot licks, tasty chops, ripping licks, blazing chops, etc.). My personal favorite is the wanton use of the word ‘man.’ You’ll hear this almost immediately upon entering the store, after your ears adjust to the mindless noodling from some wispy-mustached, prepubescent fool in a Morbid Angel t-shirt dinkering away at a fluorescent Ibanez that was made by a 10-year-old in urban Laos.
NOUN=Can I help you, man?
VERB=Looks like he’s gonna’ man-up and buy that axe!
ADVERB= You shred man, fast!
ADJECTIVE= He rips manly hot licks!
CONJUNCTIVE=Man, that’s a bitchin’ amp!
TAUTOLOGICAL= Man, man’s fuckin’ rockin, man!
I went to Manny’s on 47th the other day to buy strings (I usually go to Main Drag in Brooklyn because they have good prices and the staff is uncharacteristically friendly, but Manny’s was on my way to the train after work, so I decided to deal with the Manhattan musical ‘tude). The employee behind the counter was enigmatically douchey (one brazenly-bearded, Williamsburg fashionista). He was playing an acoustic guitar when I approached the counter. He looked up at me, said “just a minute,” and proceeded to tune the guitar and to fiddle with it needlessly while I stood there, waiting. I finally gave the universal ‘cough’ noise to signal that I needed assistance. He looked up at me with a pained expression. I asked “do you have any strap locks?” Without saying anything he pointed his finger upwards into a nebulous area signifying the rack above the counter. Amazing. Sorry I disturbed you at your job, pal.
Here’s what I wanted to say: “You know, if I had the look of a rock-star and the salary of a McDonald’s fry cook, I’d be difficult too.”
- Jon “Dr. Hot Licks” Gingerich
11 responses so far ↓
1 sara // Oct 8, 2007 at 5:43 pm
fuck- i have an Ibanez.
but it was free.
and it’s red.
and here lies my newest dilemma. as if my first experience at Guitar Center wasn’t horrible enough, i’m going to have to go back soon (maybe not to Guitar Center, but to some other douchebaggy place) because i’m thinking of trying out a short scale bass. (i’s got me some small hands). i can just picture the ‘eye-rolling’ from the asshole taking guitars down from the wall, one by one, until i, who knows dick about them anyway (further pissing him off, because i’m not a real ‘musician’ and i’m not in a ‘band’), decide on one that i’m content with. maybe if i do go back to Guitar Center i’ll get the same fruitcake who helped me the last time- the one who looked like the dude from American Movie. Yeah buddy, you’re fucking bitter because with a face like that you’re probably not getting laid too often.
anyway, i’m glad that my horrific experience inspired you.
2 sara // Oct 8, 2007 at 5:46 pm
i have no idea why i put eye-rolling in parenthesis.
3 mike // Oct 9, 2007 at 7:39 am
very funny and accurate post, uh… man. i agree that main drag is uncharacteristically pleasant. that’s where i do %99 of my music shopping these days. i just can’t deal with the douche factor like i used to. sara, just get shaun to give you his short scale.
4 shannon // Oct 9, 2007 at 8:41 am
just be happy you’re not a girl. last time i was in guitar center (it was half a block from my apt at the time) i got this, “hey, babe, you need to check your gig bag.” and upon leaving, “here you go, babe.” in between, no help whatsoever, then the guy at the counter asked me if i realized i was buying a speaker cable. “uh, yeah, man.”
sara, i’d recommend main drag as well. if you want someplace in manhattan, matt at 30th st. and rick at carmine st. are SUPER nice and really helpful/knowledgeable without the slightest bit of condescension.
5 sara // Oct 9, 2007 at 9:39 pm
thanks. yeah, i’ll have to officially ban Guitar Center and erase it from my memory. my birthday is in about a month from now, and i figure that if i see some decent progress in a month ( maybe i’m being slightly ambitious, here), i’m going to buy myself a nice little Fender Mustang. woo!
ps, i’m taking contributions.
6 Mike.3 // Oct 10, 2007 at 9:22 am
Dude, I’m going to rip a guitar solo that’s totally electric!!!
You’re spot on. Bigtime.
7 Crack Nackid // Oct 15, 2007 at 12:29 pm
I love that you write the different ways to incorporate the word MAN into various phrases - and then tell us that you went into a store called MANny’s! So perfect, man!
8 plong // Oct 15, 2007 at 3:10 pm
I worked at Guitar Center in Columbus for nigh two years. I always thought of myself as the “exception” to the douche tally, but, in retrospect, I probably wasn’t. I mean, I keep it real, but, yeah.
9 Snarky // Oct 24, 2007 at 9:35 pm
Dude, man.
10 sara // Oct 26, 2007 at 3:54 pm
this is great- i just got a postcard in the mail from Pete at Guitar Center. he says, “hope you’re enjoying your new amp, let me know if you need anything else! ps, sorry about the Yankees losing.” hmm…did i mention that i was a baseball fan? i guess i was so busy dodging the shit that was being thrown at me, that i didnt notice the lame small talk we must have shared.
thanks Pete!
11 forex robot // Aug 21, 2010 at 11:03 am
nice post. thanks.
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